Jakarta in Gaddafi shock!!!

The world’s media has been speculating for more than a month regarding the whereabouts of Colonel Muammar Gaddafi following the violent ejection of his despotic Libyan regime and its replacement by the democratically inclined National Transitional Council.

Mata Pribadi therefore has enormous pride in bringing you the world exclusive news that the Colonel has been tracked down by its own intrepid reporters – and to Jakarta of all places!!!

The Jakarta expatriate community was in absolute uproar last evening as news spread like wildfire following our discovery that Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, recently deposed leader of Libya had been found living in a tent with a large entourage of followers in the grounds of the International Sporting Club of Indonesia (ISCI). On the left hand side of the swimming pool and to the right of the lake as you look out from the clubhouse if you are familiar with ISCI.

Hi Pak Gad!!!

This revelation follows several days of speculation that the Colonel had been seen, in mild disguise, in a number of the less salubrious Blok M bars on Saturday night last.

We met with several barmaids and patrons of My Darbar subsequently and it was clear that they were convinced it was indeed the Colonel. “It was definitely him” said Dewi, a hairdresser from Bekasi, “he didn’t have his funny head dress thingy on and had shaved his moustache off but there is no doubt it was him” adding that he went away hand in hand with Dewi from Clilegon and someone whom she only knew as Dwi but thought might have been a hairdresser too.

Regular My Darbar patron, Kark Milner, told us that “it was hilarious, the guys on the door crapped themselves and nearly dropped their newly delivered soto ayam when the Colonel arrived along with a dozen Arabic looking guys all kitted out in suits, sunglasses and suspicious bulges. They reminded me of Pak Karno’s lot in the old days; not that they owned a suit between them of course, however, they did like sunglasses and were invariably possessed of at least one suspicious bulge each”

Kark also shared with us that he had played a couple of frames with the Colonel and took him 2-0. “Not a bad player at all, we might invite him to join the Every Nighters, but he is going to have to learn the International Pool Rules that we use here; I thought I was going to be shot after I told him that it was a free ball for me when both his ball and the white failed to touch a cushion after a failed attempt to snooker me in the second frame”.

The owner of My Darbar was to comment that “their presence was a little intimidating, however, they paid their bill and tipped generously so they can come back any time” adding rather gushingly that, “the Colonel said he would welcome more choice of lamb and goat dishes next time he comes and I am very seriously looking into that, we don’t want him going to Top Gun instead”.

School teacher from JIS, Kohn Jinghorn (not his real name), who would speak only on grounds of anonymity because his girlfriend would kill him if she knew where he had been, told us that the Colonel sat at the bar for nearly an hour as he sipped slowly on his JD and coke while sizing up the talent and that a bodyguard had explained that, “the Colonel doesn’t dance, he considers it a vile Western affectation”

A visit to the ISCI grounds out near Sawangan earlier today by our intrepid reporter confirmed the presence of a significant number of strangers to the area, many of them wearing the traditional Arabic dish-dash and at least one very large tent, apparently made out of carpets. It was impossible to get closer than a couple of hundred meters; however, our man on the spot was able to secure this photo at what was clearly great risk to life and limb.

Regional political analyst, Joseph Georgeous of The Economist in Hong Kong, was to observe that “relations between the Suharto regime and Gaddafi had been particularly warm but there has been significant cooling since”, noting however that “there is no extradition treaty between Indonesia and Libya, hardly a surprise as Jakarta doesn’t even have one with their next door neighbour, Singapore, leading to the establishment in the island state of a huge colony of the corrupt and venal Indonesian elite escaping justice with seeming impunity.” A Golkar spokesman indicated that the party had not yet met to arrive at a position on the issue.

All attempts to contact the British Embassy in Jakarta to get their views on the development ended up in their irksome multi-layered automatic answering service menu, the one that was put in by the low bidder in 2008 and which hasn’t worked since installation.

As the British have spent several billions of their own increasingly scarce resources trying to put a bomb up Mr Ghadaffi’s bottom, their views would certainly have been interesting. They could perhaps save themselves a bunch by getting Dewi or Dwi to try on one of those body bomb thingies and bring about  what might be considered a singularly appropriate way for him to die and one which might even bring closure for the relatives and loved ones of the many who died over and in Lockerbie.

While at ISCI we were granted a World Exclusive if rather short interview in the tasteful though rather inadequately air conditioned clubhouse with spokesperson Muhammad al-Bubl Gum Rapper who described himself as the Colonel’s “Chief of Staff” and who, while somewhat taciturn, was to fill in a few of the gaps in this fast developing  story, not least being that the encampment at ISCI was short term in nature as a very large empty plot of 5,000 square meters had been identified from the very many of them available in Pondok Indah and that, just as soon as negotiations were complete, what he described as “The Caravan” would move to there. No need to build a house he explained, the Colonel prefers to live in a tent, so they could move right in.

Asked to explain how the Colonel and his entourage had travelled from Libya and effected entry into Indonesia, the “Chief of Staff” explained that they had used “the same Garuda Boeing 747 that “Pak Nazarrudin”, a personal friend of the Colonel, had used in his journey from Colombia” and that they “had landed at Halim” but would add no more.

We understood further from the interview that the Colonel was interested in taking over as Chairman of the Jakarta Pool League in order to sort out what has become a major issue in the expatriate community, the committee’s idiosyncratic and disturbingly mysterious and contentious “selection process” for the upcoming Inter-City series match with Bangkok.

The Colonel will “select himself and all his own sons that are still alive, with the rest of the places going to the highest bidder” explained the “Chief of Staff” adding that “this will make everything much clearer and indeed auditable and hence avoid further accusations that selection is on the basis of just picking your mates and the so called “qualifying competition” no more than a ruse to relieve 66 hard working expats of a hundred thousand roops and fill Kemang and Blok M bars on otherwise quiet midweek nights.

The “Chief of Staff” was unable to confirm whether the Colonel was interested in Hashing or Golf but did quote the Colonel as having said that “there is no way I am joining in Mata Pribadi’s Fill in the Bubble Competition unless and until there is at least one fucking camel in it – and I will make fucking sure that Ed T isn’t allowed more than one entry”

Requests for clarification by the Ministry of Boule Affairs, Foreign Stuff, Judicial Reviews, Lamppost Solar Power and Things that Go Bump in the Night went unanswered, though in fairness we understand that the Minister and his deputy are currently waiting anxiously to hear their fate in Cheeky-Ass in the latest reshuffling of the venal and incompetent.

Please be assured that Mata Pribadi will continue to dedicate the entirety of its resources to this important breaking story.

This entry was posted in Expat Foibles, October 2011, Politics. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Jakarta in Gaddafi shock!!!

  1. Anonymous says:

    I don’t give a fuck about Col Gaddafi, but I am guessing that the line up of Cewet Jakarta is actually a front for a pimping operation you are running on the side. Please send the second and fourth counting from the left to my house in Cipete asap. In future please have them numbered to make the ordering process easier….

    • Mata Pribadi says:

      Dear Lob (we know it’s you, IP tells all),
      Good point on the numbering, we will see if we can’t implement for the next edition.
      Dewi is unavailable at the moment so we are just sending Dwi around at 18:00. You still in the same place as last year?
      Cheers, MP

  2. Eagle Eye says:

    This is bullshit man, I have had a very close look at that tent in the grounds of ISCI and it is a fake, and not a very good one at that. If you look at the guy ropes on the right hand side they just kind of stop in mid air – and the trees on the left hand side just don’t match at all. What is this man, ISCI-gate?

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