Jakarta’s large expatriate community was in a state of shock late last evening as news trickled back into bars, restaurants and sleazy discos across the city of the arrest of 25 expatriates, all members of the famous Jakarta Hash House Harriers or “Jakarta HHH” near Kampung Cialis, approximately 500 metres west of the Shell service station on the Jakarta bound carriageway of the Jagorawi Tol.
A Densus 88 source, speaking on terms of anonymity, later informed your reporter that the local branch of NU had made allegations of Masonic Rituals and proselytizing by a large group of foreigners near their village.
According to self-styled Grand Master, “Mastubator” Lecher, the Hash had finished and the Religious Adviser was going through the charges when, “around 50 armed police burst into the circle and handcuffed and arrested everyone there; we were face down on the ground and handcuffed within seconds”. Masturbator further volunteered that he was away in the undergrowth having what he described as a “whazz” at the moment the police struck and sensibly kept his head down along with “Wet and Ready” who had been helping him, though he confessed to not knowing where she was now.
Another Hasher who managed to evade the police raid was Anish “Sherpa Fuck thing” Sakya, aka Sake, who explained that he had gone to fetch further supplies of cold Bintang and was “very, very shocked” to find no one there upon his return. “I am very, very shocked” he said, repeating himself, possibly needlessly.
We were able to catch up with the still shocked Masturbator in the Everest Cafe on Jalan Felatehan later in the evening when we asked him to comment on the allegations of Masonic rituals and proselytizing that had been made.
While clearly under the influence of the large number of Tequilas that had been poured down his neck by the accompanying Sherpa Fuck thing, Masturbator was vehement in his denials, “I’m not that kind of fucking Grand Master, it’s just a fucking coincidence, man”. This was confirmed by Sherpa Fuck thing who said, “For Christ’s sake, we are just doing running, drinking and falling over, that’s all we do man, the circle thing is just an excuse to drink and we aren’t trying to convert anybody.”
Occupying the seat next to Masturbator, and in his favourite chair, was well know Jakarta celebrity Alex “Up Your Kilt” McLeash (NtJP passim) who was to reveal that he had also been at the scene, explaining that “I used to be an active hasher, ye ken, and didnae the Harriettes liv me, ye ken, bit a’hm past it noo and jist organise the drinks fae the loons and quinnies” adding that while waiting for the Hashers to return he had tested a jug of Margarita and subsequently passed out under the drinks table, only waking up when the police raid was underway. “It seems ah cannae come oot the fuckin’ hoos these days, wi’out the polis crawlin’ ah o’er me, yae ken” he complained.
Among the Hashers believed to be in police custody are Madame Flash, Wet and Ready, Texas Turd, Fak-Fak, Graft, Rollback, Foreskin, Nicotina, Haggissimo and Lombollocks, whilst still missing but understood to have somehow avoided arrest, are Juicy Beaver and Powderballs.
When contacted for comment on the incarceration of 19 of its subjects, the British Embassy answer phone said, “Sorry, we are only open from 9 until 4 Monday to Thursday and 10 until 12 on Fridays, thank you for calling the Embassy, we appreciate your business, have a nice day.”