A statement from the President Director of NotTheJakartaPost PT, Bapak Sunarwono Hendratno Penki.
It has become manifestly clear over the last twenty four hours that the values of decency, honesty and fair play instilled in me by my Ibu, the Jakarta International School and Harvard University have yet to be reflected in our own news organisation and I will not stop until they are.
The following steps are therefore being taken immediately to get us started us on this journey.
1. All relations with News International, whose unethical business practices are the principle reason we are in this mess, are herewith ended and their shareholding made the subject of a sequestration order by the safe hands of the commercial court in the village of Dumjon in South West Papua, thereby putting all those shares into my hands without compensation.
This would have been done in a couple of years anyway if the venture had proven profitable, so my action today will merely speed up the process. News International are warned that in the unlikely event that they are able to get their lawyers to Tuesday’s sequestration hearing in Dumjon that my brother in law, the Judge presiding in the matter, has little regard for what he likes to call “foreign carpetbaggers”.
2. As punishment for failing to follow company policies and operating procedures in the matter of news acquisition, staff will have their salaries reduced by 50% with immediate effect, including the four months of salary that had not yet been paid to them due to a minor procedural oversight by my son in the accounting department.
3. We will push ahead with all due speed in actually putting into writing the company policies and operating procedures mentioned above in accordance with best Indonesian corporate practice.
4. The board of Directors will be strengthened by the addition of Police General Adang Daradjatun (Rtd.), with special responsibility for wives, a niche that this organ considers key to its future development, and corruption – an area of particular interest to our readers as was apparent from our recent poll and indeed another area in which the General has long, relevant and recent experience.
5. An expatriate resourced position as special correspondent for golf, pool and Blok-M affairs will be created and filled just as soon as we can get the thing past Immigrasi.
6. A special dividend of 10,000 Indonesian Rupiah per share will be declared and be payable to all those on the share register following the sequestration mentioned above.
So, I am sure you will agree, that brings firm and decisive closure to this unfortunate affair, thereby allowing the NotheJakartaPost to get back to reporting the news rather than making it. Thank you for your time, it is much appreciated.
PS In a clearly unwelcome development given colonial sensitivities in these things, The Cloggies had another win today to lead the Jakarta Inter League (JIL) by 5 matches with just two rounds to go. At the request of a couple of the other team captains, your favourite expat organ will be checking out the visa and handicap status of each of their team members, unless that is an appropriately denominated travelers cheque is received by this office in the next twenty four hours.